Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Barack Obama, of the Foreign Country of Hawaii

I can't help but notice (outside the crowds chanting "recount!") that there are still a handful of Americans who think Hawaii is "one of ours". They'll claim that just about anything that's been legally annexed through majority vote is American in some way. They may even throw out some fancy math like, "Hawaii was admitted into the Union in 1959" and "Barack Obama was born in 1961" so they just get him in there in time to be not foreign-born. Oh how convenient!

I think it was the great thinker Homer Simpson who once said, "facts, you can prove anything even remotely true with those." Indeed that's just what these "technicalists" are trying to do here.

Let's look at some other facts about Hawaii (right from Wikipedia) that these pushers aren't telling us:

*Is not geographically located in North America: Hello, just like that backwards country of Alaska where a true American lived, braving the cold so she could secretly monitor the Russians!Of course she started out in Idaho which is obviously American because it's attached!

*Grows coffee: Coffee? Give me a break, we know coffee isn't American. In fact Americans only drink coffee so that countries like Uganda don't go out of business.

*Is completely surrounded by water: This is too easy. Yet again, it's not attached to the big American... Land... Area, so it's not part of it. Those are just the rules, and if they seem arbitrary it's just because your way of thinking isn't.

*Is totally an archipelago: Archipelago is just a fancy word meaning "buttload of islands". Islands aren't states, or they wouldn't be called islands. Also suspect: the "state" of Rhode "Island"

*Has a royal palace: Americans don't do the royal thing. We just elect a person every 4 years to live in a big expensive house, make lots of money, ride in an expensive car, appear before an adoring public, and make decisions about how to run our country.

*does not have a straight line in its state boundary: Just like New Jersey. Need I say more?

So I hope we've all learned something here today, and when our shiny new President delivers that inauguration speech, just remember: That's not American he's speaking, it's English!

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Two Kingdoms

Once upon a time there were two kingdoms.  In the first, the people got along fairly well.  They ate, they played, they worked and when night fell, they slept under a sacred blanket.  This blanket consisted of two materials.  The top was kingdom 2's, the bottom was their own.  The weather was just right, so they could sleep under either side.  Still, most rested beneath the fabric of their own land, safe, and all but unaware of the other side.

The people of kingdom 2 had the same blankets, however the weather was not as permissive.  Their king insisted that they sleep under the foreign side, not for comfort, but for surveillance of the other land.  Alas, the king was an old man and his eyes began to fail him.  Nevertheless, as far as he could see, this strange land was suspicious and he insisted upon the unpleasantness of this foreign cloth and its weavers.  Before long, the people of this land began to itch and sweat under the dark cloth and decided they must help their king destroy the foreign manufacturer.

So they traveled to the 1st kingdom where they met with the other cloth weavers.  They got along well with the people of 1st kingdom and made friends with some of them.  Even the cloth could not itch apart from their king's insistence.  Regardless, their king cried out from across the oceans, "These are impure, they must be destroyed!"  They trusted their king, and had always assumed his eyesight far exceeded their own.  So, when night fell, they threw the people in kingdom 1 out of their beds and smothered them with the upper cloth from their sacred blankets.  And as far as he could see, their king was pleased.